j a n s e n. i. s. m.

08.23.06 I was 2 seconds short of time when the door of
the MRT automatically shut right before my face and started to speed away. It
was yet another frustration added to an already frustrating day at work and I
couldn’t get any unluckier than this. I would have to wait for several more
minutes before the next train arrives here at Boni station and God knows if
there would still be enough space there for another human being. Fortunately,
there was.

With a public form of transportation like an MRT, it’s hard
to choose who you are gonna ‘stand’ next to. People can really be physically
close with each other for some period of time, yet care less for a stranger
like you. What’s rather more important for these passengers is for them to
reach their destinations in the quick and safe way, with one worry less –
traffic!

However amidst the crowd inside the MRT is one with
further worries. One who has better questions to himself than “what station are
we in now?”. He began asking… How important is being happy with what you are
doing? How satisfying is it to feel you are given fair challenges and you are
able to overcome them? How easy is it to be in a situation if you are with
people, you are most comfortable with? How can you change others’ impressions
of you?

Too bad, he can only hear his self… I can only hear
myself… and even if I asked these questions aloud, not a care from the people
around. These questions will be answered in time but I guess not as soon as we
reach the next MRT station.

The train decelerated, before it finally halted and its
doors began to slide open at the Guadalupe station. The crowd inside loosened
up as some passengers made their way to exit. Others moved, and new passengers
came in. After a short period of time, the door automatically closes and the
train started to gather some speed again.

One has to hold tight on the bars or to have steady feet
on the floor particularly when the train leaves or reaches a station.
Otherwise, you’ll be out of balance and bump to the obnoxious stranger next to
you. I started to realize… It is in these trying times that I have to hold
tighter to my beliefs, gather my strength more and say to myself louder that “I
can, I must and I will”. I loose hope sometimes and the road to success is
becoming bumpier. I wish I had someone else loyal to depend to but right now I
only have myself and God to pray to.

The train reached Buendia station and the cycle goes
again. When the doors locked up, I saw my reflection on the glass window fixed
on it. I affirmed to myself that I am not quitting on this.  For if
there’s something I always advise myself or others, it’s the line “everything
happens for a reason…”.

Finally, the train stopped at Ayala station and it was
time for me to end this ride and these thoughts. The train loaded new
passengers once again but left a more motivated ‘me’ behind — ready for the
next day’s challenges.

At past 10 pm, I found myself
desperately sitting on a public air-conditioned bus in the middle of traffic
somewhere in EDSA not fully decided as to what location I’m gonna step off from
this ride. I was from a ‘team building’ activity held at a very posh bar in
Ortigas. It was my first time to go out after the regular 8-hour work, with
officemates. On normal days, by this time I already am sleeping soundly at my
bed in Cavite.

I missed the last MRT ride, and was desperate to get to Ayala the quickest way
to catch the last trip of service to Cavite or else my two options would be:
(a) Ride another bus to Baclaran where there’s hope of catching buses en route
Cavite and risk that the stranger standing next to me is a nasty holdupper (b)
Go to a cheap hotel and spend one lonely night there alone. The bus was moving
very sluggish, and the conductor was even barking for some more passengers to
hop in. I was deeply tired, yet my stomach hasn’t felt this full for a long while.
The food served at that place was sumptuous—pizza, nachos, calamari, gambas,
buffalo wings. It was pica-pica style but it turned out to be buffet for most
people. The healthy laughter and videoke songs at the background were gone and
instead, the bustling sound of streets and the TV program shown on the bus are
heard. No more Rox, Topher and John to ask for help, but fellow passengers who
are as desperate as I am to reach our own destinations. At the back of my mind
lies the worry that one of them could be disguised and turned out to be someone
who has an evil and selfish intent on me. So to divert my thinking, I tried to
look around for familiar street signs or buildings to gauge how far still I am
to Ayala. Finally I saw Cybergate, and the traffic flow has loosened up. At 10:55
pm, I got off the bus when the conductor shouted “Rustan’s” and I hurriedly
crossed the street. I can count on my hands the number of people I passed along
the side of Glorietta and Landmark which are obviously closed because of its
9/10 pm closing time. I was walking briskly and it felt like I was up for some
competition to reach the finish line which in this case was the last service
trip to Cavite
at Park Square 2. It felt weird to reach the terminal without the crowd and with
very few vehicles left. Not the normal scenario on this place. I asked the
dispatcher for any seats left and I was getting lucky this time. One last seat
occupied by myself and there the van started to move…. And my thoughts began to
float…

FEAR. Whether it’s the fear of getting
lost, being alone in a bus, facing a hold-up situation, getting bumped by a car
while crossing the street, being unwelcome and rejected by your colleagues, and
not making it home…

EXPERIENCE lessens our fear.
Sometimes, we have to be alone to feel secured… we have to be unwelcome to feel
accepted… we have to be lost to finally find home…

I was able to endure another bus
ride from Bacoor to Rosario, Cavite…and then the final ride is with a
tricycle. It was around 12:30 am, when my mom opened the door for me and I
declared myself… HOME.