j a n s e n. i. s. m.

There were many moments in my life when I knew I wasn’t destined to be on top. First,
was graduation day in elementary when I went up to stage with mom to receive my
class salutatorian medal after consistently getting ‘first honor’ from nursery
school up to grade 5. Second, was during the honor student’s deliberation for high
school graduating class, when my tears began to flow almost unstoppably after
they tallied up the scores on the blackboard and they put number two right
beside my name(for the second time I graduated class salutatorian). Third, is
when I received my first below-85 grade in college courtesy of my high-standard,
architect-slash-professor for Engineering Drawing 2 class which shattered my hope
of graduating college with a cum laude award.

So
for most part of my school life, it was simply all about competing and hitting
the goal to be the best among the rest. Although I’ve proven enough through
those enumerations that it didn’t work that way for me. So after college, when
I got employed, I tried to care less about comparing
myself to others and proving myself
to be the best.

I
realized that comparing one’s self to others is part of human nature, yet at
the same time I knew it wasn’t fair to compare myself to a new set of peers I
have when I started working. We went to different colleges (most are from
universities I envied), we have different courses, and even different hometowns
and ages. What worked for me this time is to compare myself to my previous self. It’s a lot harder to be on top,
I thought, so I didn’t put too much pressure on me to even try. Instead, I
tried to improve and make myself better,
despite having my ‘mistake-of-the-day’ and ‘almost-giving-up-times’.

Yesterday,
I, along with the rest of my peers at work received the confirmation letter
informing of our progression in career level, an ‘automatic’ result of being an
associate in the company for more than year. It produced an instant smile on my
face and finally I can put to rest the worry that I’ve been having the past few
weeks. I was happy to receive my first reward after college and for the first
time I didn’t have to give a damn on who’s getting the first honor medal (and
it’s a different medal this time) because we were asked not to discuss our
performance rating with our peers.

It
doesn’t matter anymore for me if I never find myself on top again, I guess
that’s one part of my life I have learned to live with by now. Let me end this
by saying that the best part of not being on top is that you always get to do a
chin up and look forward to something better.

08.17.07

Food
was overwhelming at the eat-all-you-can buffet at Dad’s restaurant in
Glorietta. The blue plate I was holding was heavy and as I moved along from one
food station to another, I became more confused on what to pick and worried if
can actually ”eat-all-I-took”. Then when there’s no more space left on the
10-inch porcelain plate, I returned to the long table that was reserved for us
and the reality hit me that I’m at a free dinner with officemates–a group of
people I am still struggling to belong to, and this was my first time in their team
building activity.

I
tried not to eat fast and make sure that I savor the taste of the servings on
my plate which consisted of my all time favorite (lechon, pancit malabon and
lumpiang sariwa) and first time for my palate (roast beef, clams with red
sauce, and that maji-maji dish which was too good I couldn’t
believe it was fish). As I took my last spoonful, I knew the space on my
stomach wouldn’t let me another round of main course — maybe go Japanese food
but I opted to go for their wide array of sugar-filled, anti-diabetic desserts
instead. Moments later, I returned to my seat along with some officemates. On
my smaller plate were blueberry cheesecake, crème brule, and the anonymous one
which has one layer brownie and the other gelatin.

Needless
to say, I was stuffed and weighed heavier than when I came in. This dinner was
an opportunity for me to socialize but then I didn’t really take advantage of
it. In fairness to myself, I wasn’t entirely quiet the whole time and I actually
found myself laughing withmy seatmates. Yes, some people had greater fun that
night. They were the ones who are probably dining at Dad’s for the nth time.
The ones with insatiable appetites. The ones who never failed to participate
and enjoy in team building activities. The ones whose jokes never failed to
tickle anyone. The ones who found close friendship among the people they work
with. While I was the one still finding my spot in this group… and tonight was
my modest first step.

Around
8pm, a few are just about to start their fourth plate of food, I, with two
others was ready to leave and pass on the movie treat which was the next
activity. A typhoon has been causing distress since the past few days, and
after that sumptuous dinner, I was faced with the challenge on how I will go
home or if I will ever actually reach home.

Flood
was causing a terrible traffic on major roads, that after an hour I found
myself still standing and waiting for the next service to arrive and load
passengers at the Park Square 2 terminal. I was even lucky because I was part
of the second batch loaded to an L300 type of vehicle but my luck didn’t stay for
long as vehicles start moving slow right after passing the toll gate. Soon rain
poured heavily, thunder and lightning came from above the pitch black skies and
it was starting to chill in my seat and l had accepted the close possibility of
spending the night there or worse if some roads are completely impassable, on
the streets. Alone. Earlier, I texted my friend, Shen thinking that we could go
home together but she had her own movie night schedule which wont finish until
11, so there I was in the service with no one to talk to. It was almost
midnight when our vehicle passed Talaba area. Turning right side, the road was
clear and within minutes we reached Binakayan and it wasn’t raining.
Unfortunately for my friend Shen, her patience would be tested with the traffic
I just had survived along Coastal road.

Speaking
of survival, I wasn’t exactly sure if there would still be a bus in Binakayan going
to Salinas where I actually live. Thankfully, I did reach our town through two connecting rides–
Binakayan to Noveleta, Noveleta to Salinas. Mom made a worried phone call and confirmed to me that there was already
floodwater in our house, my room not spared.

Several
minutes after, I was on my last ride away from home. When I got off the
tricycle, I knew I had to take off my shoes, brave the flood with only my socks
against the ground to be able to reach our house. Indeed, ankle-deep water has
reached our house already and my computer has been evacuated to my room where
the floor was also wet. At least we have electricity, Mom and EJ are ok, the
bed I will be sleeping on is dry… and I was home, at last.